Thursday, February 27, 2014

More Self Love in 2014

Everyone is well aware of hashtag trends like Wayback Wednesday, Throwback Thursday, and Flashback Friday - actually, come to think of it, the only days that are missing an "official" hashtag are Tuesday and Sunday? Anyways, I had posted one last month:

It really got me to thinking about how often I would take pictures a few years ago. It might also be due to the fact that it was my first DSLR and wanted to use it as much as possible, but I feel like that's beyond the point. I used to constantly take pictures of myself, those around me, I would even record little "art videos" right in my room. I never had any long runs of art block or lack of inspiration or motivation. I had the most intense love for myself and those surrounding me.

From 2010 to 2011, I was in a terribly abusive relationship. It took its toll on me mentally and physically. An abusive relationship is something that you'll never forget and sometimes its something that you will constantly beat yourself up with with thoughts of "Why did I stay with them for so long?" and "Why didn't I see the signs?". In that time span, I hardly had time to myself. I'm a pretty introverted person, and when it comes to art, I like to be by myself. It seemed like every second I wasn't with my then-boyfriend he would always berate me through text as to why I wasn't with him, who was I with, etc. I wouldn't want to deal with the annoyance so I would just succumb and go over; the whole way there I would stress that I was taking too long and most of the time I was correct because my phone would receive a text asking what was taking so long, and if my reply was that I was talking to my dad, I would then receive something along the lines that I was lying. He always told me I was fat, he didn't care for my friends and would hate when I would spend time with them, he'd lock me out of his house at ungodly hours... OBVIOUSLY I could go on and on about this but I think you know what I'm getting at.

The relationship not only damaged me, but also stifled my creativity.

I truly believe that was a rock bottom for me. It was terrible to be so full of love for myself and at the end of it all just be left unsure of everything. I'm truly thankful for the help that I've had from my friends since then and all the love and respect from my boyfriend, Matt.

Since then I don't have much to show for myself with pictures. Matt and I had started to take monthly pictures but that motivation slowly died, as for pictures of myself all I really have is selfies.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that this year I want to improve the love I have for myself and everyone around by at least ten fold. I'm a very visual person and I enjoy looking back at those pictures and remembering what had happened that day. Even if the only pictures I end up taking are pictures of myself, thats enough to satisfy me.
I'm in no way saying that I'm unhappy with my life or situation, I'm incredibly happy with it. I just want more to show for it, not for the purpose of showing anyone else, but for myself. I'm really just unhappy where I am artistically.

Everyone goes through bouts with themselves and whether or not they're happy with what they're doing or becoming and that could be from a life event like mine, or even just personal goals. If you realize that you are unhappy with yourself or your life, don't be afraid to say it. You don't have to announce it, but just accept it and start the journey to improving whatever it may be.

Thanks for reading! I have a few outfit posts and a lot of blogging about my recent trip to California to do so I will see you soon!